I have a confession to make.
It’s not something big like being an alcoholic or sneaky like secretly getting a tattoo behind my laogong’s back.
The truth is I am very insecure about the way I look. Increasingly so, actually, now that I have been hearing more comments about how ‘aunty’ I look and how my pimples are getting worse.
It is not something I take lightly and believe me when I say that confessing this makes me feel very vulnerable. This is perhaps the reason I shy away from certain people, clothes and activities.
But I feel it is important to say this. Because many a times, people say things thinking that they mean no harm. Truth is, sometimes, these comments can come across as callous, even if you didn’t mean for it to be.
I admit that I may sound overly sensitive. I know some things people tell me are just facts, or passing remarks, or jokes. Jokes I can take. But if it is a simple remark, please keep it to yourself. Trust me, we already know we have put on a bit, that our face is breaking out in acne, and that are our eyes are slightly too far apart. Or something like that.
We have to face it on a daily basis, and having someone remind us of it again just makes me want to go on a one-man mission to destroying all the mirrors in the world. Because apparently, we don’t already have it shoved in our faces that we need someone to rub salt on the wounds.
I guess I am not that strong yet to be able to laugh it off. Just the other day when someone remarked on my acne, I pretended that the pot on the stove was boiling so that I could run away from the awkward conversation and hide in the kitchen. Honestly, I just did not know how to respond. How do you expect me to respond?
So the next time you decide to point out something obvious to us, just remember: it is not “tell me something I already know” day.
At this point of time, I want to tell my laogong “I love you” for reminding me everyday that I am beautiful in your eyes. I honestly don’t think I’ll be the person I am today if not for you. And for that I am grateful.
On a happier note, here’s what I’ve been busying my fingers with.
I’ve always had dreams of the ocean, perhaps because I’m fascinated by it. Nothing I can find online about marine life ever reflects what I see. But the flying fish comes close, if only a little. I added different colours to it, like how I see it in my mind when I close my eyes. And the intricate stitches bring out the subtleties of the fish’s scales and fins and design.
I know it is not biologically accurate. I hope to get away with it as a form of art. I am embroidering my dreams, after all.