9.6.12

Firstly, let me apologize for my absence. There are times when words cannot express how I feel and this is one of them. Seldom do I find myself speechless and unwilling to speak of what is bothering me. Most of the time, the things I want to say crowd in my throat and are too much of a coward to find its way out.

But never have I ever found myself in a situation where I’d feel completely confident that I do not want to speak of this. Especially in an age where words are freely shortened and expressed over easily accessible devices and methods, it makes me treasure words ever so much more that whenever I write something on such devices and through such methods, I make sure they count; they matter.

I am afraid that by speaking of this, I will reduce its worth, or its meaning, like so many other things I have read on facebook, on blogs and other websites.

While I see the irony in what I am doing, I’d like to think that the fact that I took 1 week to carefully think and write about this makes it evident that words, to me, carry a whole lot of weight. And believe me when I say that this weight can never be measured by any means invented, nor should it.

I lost something very dear to me recently. And the pain it caused me is so much more than I could have ever imagined. Why people, why I, put myself in a position where we know we will hurt in the end is not something that can be explained. But it is something you and you and you who have ever loved would understand.

I still cannot bring myself to speak of him without tearing up.  And the black hole in me, that deep, deep sadness that I feel now that he is gone will never disappear, no matter how many questions I ask.

To the rest of the world, he is a fury ferocious rabbit. But to me, he was what I built the last 10 years of my life upon. And no matter how much I know it is impossible, I want him back. I want him back so badly, I feel like he will simply appear in front of me one day when the time comes.

But before that, there are still things to do, people to care for and love to share. You have made my life so much richer and so much emptier at the same time. I guess it’s just a juxtaposition I’m going to have to live with until I see you again.

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2 thoughts on “9.6.12

  1. Cuddles and warm cups of tea are what I usually turn to to comfort those grieving. I can’t deliver those to you through my disc drive so I hope its enough just to say that you have every right to grieve and hurt and I understand how alone you must now feel. Sending love xo

    • Thanks so much Danielle, for stopping by and taking the time out to leave that message. It’s very comforting and assuring. Definitely a great 2nd option to attempting to send cuddles and tea through your disc drive. 🙂

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